Wednesday, February 22, 2006

PARENTAL GUIDANCE

I am in the kitchen scrubbing away to all glory, and in saunters my 4 year old.
She says, "Where is that stupid cow?"
Mr.Holier than thou (ie my sbouse) says, " Stupid cow?I wonder where she is learning that from".
He meant me, she meant the cat. Imagine calling a cat a cow.

Professor this one is for you.

Dear NEW DADDY as you step into the threshold of puke and pampers let me guide you through a few very important milestones.

THE FIRST WORD:
Kids are sneaky little devils. Do not foolish new parent, be foiled for one second with that look that turns your knees into jelly. They know exactly whats going on.
They spend most of the time with mommy, who will change yucky smelly diapers, clean them up,make them smell nice, and most of all mommy has the food.
Is it any wonder most kids learn(yeh right! they choose to play it this way) to say "MAMA" before "BABA".
Then one day like that advertisment on tv they say it. And an excited wife calls you up to tell you and like the advert you come home running to hear your "PRECIOUS DARLING" say the words which you have been dying to hear. And so you wait and wait.....and no amount of pleading begging kissing cooing bribing gets the "PRECIOU S DARLING" to say "BABA", from the lips like a rosebud.
Being a daddy, in 5 minutes flat you get distracted and start fiddling around with something.
Meanwhile mommy is still trying,45 minutes later to get baby to say BABA. It is at this point; when, as you have been fixing/fiddling with whatever, something results in you to yelp out a sharp expletive, Hopefully it is your lucky day and all you said was, "OH SHIT!" Because clear and sharp as a bell,that is the next thing you will hear from those rosebud lips. And she will know by that look of awe and horror on your face that she has scored a point. A homerun so to say. Your wife will give you one of those 'withering' looks, which you are now going to see more of. "Precious Darling", btw will repeat this word repeatedly with glee, and you if you think it is a one of thing, think again. Because from now she will use the word in such appropiate circustances that will be gobsmacked.

Right Mr.Holier than thou; to whom does this new addendum in baby's lexicon do we give credit to?

THE FIRST MEAL:
You have by now discovered that "Precious Darling" is not very impressed by those many little jars and powder mixes . You may find them quite yummy, because it will eventually be you who will be eating more of it. Everytime you do the choochoo train or the aeroplane with the spoon, everytime you taste it for her and tell her how yummy it is she wil turn her face away at the exact second and you will find it more in her ear.
Fret not, very soon you will have discovered that YES, she likes one particular food. So in all ecstasy you will go to the supermarket and stock up. This being the land where just as you get attached to a product it dissappears off the shelves.
And she will eat it relish it savour it, and make huge smacking noises and ask for more. You will be so delirous, you will be enchanted.
Then 4 days later, skipping and humming along you approach her with the "Favourite" delicacy. And she puckers her lips up defiantly and you get the hear milestone no 3.

THE WORD: "NO"!
Inbetween saying Mama and Baba, the little angel will learn by default the word "NO". You often stare at her and sneak sidelong glaces at your wife ( to whom you dare not give aforementioned withering look as that is the wife's copyright). You will instinctively know at having heard that on many a night (accompanied with the headache), that word -- that the baby has definately picked it up in utero. Now you fully comprehend the science of babies being able to hear sound in the mummy's tummy.
"No", will very often be said in such a defiant, adamant, positive,kick ass tone that you cant believe it is being said in that tone. By this smiling gurgling cherub.
But it is and it will be used with rapid familiarity.
It has far more weight and emphasis than your "no'' which you will use when you do not obviosly want her to do something where she may hurt herself, break something or whenever needed.
But your "no" will always be in small caps and hers wil be in BIG.


Here I leave the board open for the views of other mum's and dad's, to guide enlighten and provide more insight into the issue.




4 comments:

  1. *Eyes wide open and jaws dropped*

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  2. Spend 6 months throwing up what feel like clumps of undigested biryani which leaves the taste of rusty nails in your mouth eliminating any flavour that your food may have had. All the while the heartburn rips through you like peroxide ripping your guts apart.
    Due to the above plus a transverse foetus you are so sleep deprived that you are unable to clearly identify which planet you are floating on. Finally you think you are going to be relieved from this tortuous ****. Zooming your writhing body on something with wheels underneath they rush you in for a c-section. There you are left with a premature baby to worry about....and now when you CAN sleep you are not allowed to. The alarm is set every 3 hours to feed this helpless little mite his 10 ml of precious liquid gold which has taken 2 hours to pump off anyway. Much to your dismay half of it gets regurgitated 30 minutes later....yes yes...washing machine does not stop. The baby is gorgeous and so well worth it.
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    6 years later:


    son:
    Mom......Can I have an electric guitar?

    Mom:
    Maybe when you are older dear.

    Son:
    Go to hell mom.







    WHAT DID I DO????

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  3. You gave birth my dear.
    snicker snicker!!!!

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  4. Nice blog.

    Ever considered getting published, say, in a Parenting magazine?

    I think you could make money with your writing, if you aren't already.

    farrukh
    copywriter, journalist, potential blogging sensation

    ReplyDelete